No Way Bastard!
by MissIzziebells
Summary: Awkward Lovi and naive Toni. Not your average love story. Rated M for Lovino's potty mouth. Ugh. Summary sucks, story is better I promise.
1. Chapter 1

First thing I'm going to tell you: I am not social. At all. I was just born with antisocial skills. And yeah, my lack of fucking general friendliness kept my number of stupid friends down to a nice 0. Great. Or it could also be the fact that I curse like a sailor. But that is such a lie.

Okay, so I'm a fucking lonely bastard. But who gives a shit? I like to think of it as being an awesome single motherfucker. Its fucking amazing I don't have a girlfriend. I mean, I'm a sexy Italian bastard with an amazing sense of style. Who wouldn't want that?

To be honest, I was having a damn great time flirting with girls and putting up with my idiot of a brother until he came along. My life just fucking turned into shit, dammit.

Stupid Spanish bastard. And his fucking Españoloco crap. Meet the idiota that changed it all, dammit: Antonio Fernandéz Carriedo, my first 'real' friend. Or I think that's what he said. I can never fucking understand his damn accent.

Unfortunately for me, the fucker didn't leave. We grew up together, and he fucking appointed himself as my best friend. Bastard used the lame excuse of,"I make you feel not alone." As if. I don't need his fucking implied sympathy.

Now we're in goddamned college. Don't be surprised, you little shit. I can have motherfucking brains when I want to. I'm in the Mafia, for fuck's sake. Oh shit. Uh, you saw nothing. Anyway, Toni (as the bastard forced me to call him) and I are studying for the same career: goddamn architecture. Yes bitches, I'm taking mind-fucking classes on how to build buildings. Fucking awesome, ain't it?

If I remember correctly, which I probably don't since my memory is shit, it was a late Saturday night. And it was Antonio's birthday. Happy birthday to the fucker. He had kidnapped-no wait, kindly asked me...no, yeah he kidnapped me and dumped me in the front seat of his black Honda Accord. Simple fucker. I would much rather be driving my red Ferrari down the streets of motherfucking New York, but nooo. This just had to be the day the stupid Spaniard was born, which made him think he could automatically do whatfuckingever he wanted. Stupid birthdays and stupid Spaniards.

So I sat there, frowning as I listened to Antonio go on and on about something stupid, I'm sure. I wasn't listening to the bastard; he talked too much! Plus I had more important things to do, like get lost in my thoughts. I was rudely interrupted by Toni's voice,"...Don't you think, Lovi?"

I snapped out of my daze and acknowledged him for once in like twenty minutes,"Hm, what? I wasn't listening."

There was a soft,"Clearly," uttered from the man beside me, and that almost made me smile. The bastard was finally learning how to be sarcastic and witty. I was so proud. "I said wouldn't it be nice to go back to Spain for a bit?"

That one caught me off guard. This fucker couldn't possibly be thinking about moving back to Spain, could he? I mentally scolded myself for being so soft. "I don't care. Now, if it were Italy you'd been talking about, then hell yeah. I'd move there for the rest of my motherfucking life."

"Always nice to know I can count on you for support." I swear I could hear him roll his eyes. This little shit was growing up, after so long, damn.

"Hey bastard?"

"Hm?"

"You're not moving back to Spain, right?"

"Uh..."

"Answer me bitch. Are you moving, yes or no?!"

Antonio nervously drummed his fingers against his pant leg. "O-Oh look. We're here." He didn't waste any more time as he quickly parked his car and turned off the ignition, soon getting out and shutting the door.

I sighed, exasperated, and got out as well. Antonio was sucha schoolgirl, goddamn it. And he really needed to work on his subject-changing. The bastard's not very subtle. "Where the hell are we?" I looked around. It was fucking empty. Just a small lake at the edge of a hill, willow trees protectively guarding the place like a sanctuary. A light breeze tugged at the drooping trees, making the leaves rustle soothingly. This was so fucking nature-y. So like Antonio, that cheesy idiot.

Said idiot walked down the hill at a leisurely pace, gently pushing aside the bastard trees, as I'd now dubbed them. He sat at the edge of the lake, flipping to a book he'd been holding as he sucked on a lollipop. Not sexually, you slutty-minded freak. After rolling my hazel eyes and brushing my hair out of my face, I made my way down the fucking steep ass hill, very ungracefully in comparison to Toni. I got tangled in the damned willows and tripped on my shoelaces, so I basically landed on my face once I'd gotten to the bottom. How fucking embarrassing.

Blushing, I sat up and dusted my shirt off as Antonio laughed lightly next to me. "Lovi you got a little something.." He easily brushed the willow leaves out of my goddamned hair as he smiled. Bastard, usually its the other way around; when I'm the one laughing at him. Its not my fault I'm clumsy, I just happen to be extremely accident prone. "Grazie. I could've done that myself, dammit."

He chuckled and set his book on the ground.

"Stop laughing, you fucker! And why'd you even bring me here, idiota? I had plans other than being kidnapped tonight." I huffed, crossing my arms and staring at the moon's shaky reflection in the water.

"Well, es mi cumpleaños, so I figured why not hang out with my best friend? Chocolate?" The Spaniard didn't even wait for me to respond before stuffing a small, minty chocolate rectangle in my mouth. I glared at him and chewed, it was really good.

"Okay. Fine. Talk to me, you Spanish moron."

"Lovi what do you know about constellations?"

"You mean those shitty twinkly things in the sky?"

"Stars," He translated.

"Sure. What about them?"

"Constellations. Drawings in the sky? You know any?"

"No. Do I look like some sort of Einstein to you?"

Antonio sighed and scooted closer to me. I blushed lightly, then frowned for blushing. This was so fucking gay. The motherfucking Spaniard didn't seem to notice, thank god.

"Well a really known one is Orion the hunter." He pointed towards the stars.

"I see dots." Straightforward answer. I don't do sugarcoating.

"Dios mio Lovi, you're so blunt. He's right there." In one swift movement, Antonio grabbed my wrist and gestured to the glowing white freckles up above. I squirmed against his grasp and to get me to behave, the dipshit laced his fingers through mine and pointed with his left hand to a straight line consisting of three bright stars. "See, that's his belt. Connect that to those other two," More gesturing,"And that makes up his bottom half."

I was so grateful for the moon covering up my blush. Was this bitch gay? I really did not have anything against gays, but I just didn't expect that. Considering this one had all the bitches in class chasing after him, sluts and nerds alike. "It looks like he's wearing a goddamned skirt." I looked at him, super annoyed.

Toni turned to me and smiled brightly, as he had a reputation for doing. With those dimples and...Yeah. Girls are always thinking about his dimples. Annoys the shit out of me. A-And maybe it was just my imagination, but the moonlight brought out all the different colours in his eyes. Well, not exactly different, just different shades. All unique, just like him. I silently counted them, around four distinct shades of green. Every single one of them as beautiful as the next. Emerald, jade, forest, olive. WHATTHEACTUALFUCK?! IAMSONOTTHISSAPPY! I sucked in a sharp breath as Antonio seemed to lean closer to me in slow motion. Inches turned into centimeters, and before anything dangerous could happen, I pushed the Spanish bastard into the lake.

I got up and stormed my way through the bastard trees after muttering a soft,"Happy fucking birthday."

((AN: So heeeyy! First story, no hate please. Feel free to give me suggestions and yada yada yada. XD I'm a very laid back Admin, and who doesn't love some awkward Spamano? I hope we can be friends, so till then. ~AI ))


	2. Chapter 2

Damn I forgot he had the keys. Ugh. So I had to lean against his car and wait for Antonio to haul his ass back up the hill and drive me home. Speaking of asses, was he still in the lake? Had I drowned him? Did he die? I began getting panicky, pacing up and down. So sad. Such a young man with such great potential...Okay well he wasn't _that _young. And his potential certainly was not the best, as mine was still to be considered, but a close second. "God dammit Antonio... If I get a bad mark on our project I swear to you I will not bring carnations to your fucking grave." I kept my mutterings to myself. Wouldn't want to say them out loud and have a somewhat angry Spaniard glaring at you from a cloud now would we? I just imagined Antonio as a horrific version of Cupid. Toni in a diaper with white wings and a halo is unsurprisingly pretty scarring. Insert me shuddering.

"Who said I would want carnations at my grave?" I turned to him with mock astonishment. Although, I wasn't really faking. Who did he think he was, scaring me like that? Hmph. Bastard. Antonio grinned, shaking water out of his hair. "Roses would do quite fine, no?"

"No. Now, gimme the keys so I can go home." He deserved to be treated like a child, even though the only juvenile one here eas me. "Its past midnight."

"Its only 12:01." He tossed the keys to me. This idiot just _had _to be the kind of person to be all stupidly patriotic; just because you're a Spaniard doesn't mean you've got to have a cute Spanish flag pendant dangling on his keychain.

"Did I not just say that?" I questioned as I unlocked his car.

"Bueno, si.." The brunette shifted awkwardly.

"Great."

"Lovi I'm cold." He picked at the buttons of his shirt, soaking wet and a bit too translucent. Of all colours, why'd he have to go and pick pastel blue? Such an old people colour, Antonio really had no sense of style. I'm not even exaggerating; the kid depended on me to choose his outfits for him. (Read: Have the nerve to drag me shopping and prance around like a maniac.)

"Your fault for going late night swimming in a pool of muck."I taunted, noting the bits and pieces of grass and leaves adorned his curls, it was silly. And no way was I going to be all soft and fix it for him. Hell, he was a grown man (Did Antonio classify as a 'man'? Man-child suits him better in my opinion. And oher times he acts like a fucking cat, so its hard to tell.) That could do it himself.

Toni pouted. Adorably, much to my dismay. I-I mean..We're friends. I can say he's adorable? "I wasn't swimming. You pushed me in. And now I'm slowly getting sick..dying..and its all your fault." He fake coughed into his hand. Such a dramatic bastard.

"Well sorry. I don't like it when people try to kiss me out of nowhere dammit." I was half aware of that crooked smirk plastered on his face at the mention of that. "Oh wipe that smug look off your face before I do it for you, Carriedo."

"Lo siento." The apology didn't sound too sincere. He glanced at me, that half smile accentuating his dimples quite nicely, yet somehow managed to look cute and sheepish. Rude. Make up your mind; either you're unbelievingly sexy or you're infuriatingly cute. Ugh. These are _so_ not my thoughts. Primarily because I am straight as fuck. Surely, my mind must've been talking about me. Eh, I'll admit I can be a little conceited and narcissistic. Vanity over sanity, I like to say. Okay, no. Its what that French bastard Francis likes to tell me. Repeatedly. I'd love to pat his face. With a chair. Made of metal. I hate people. Anyway, "I just wanted to see what its like."

Cue me saying something of extreme intelligence like,"Wanted to see what what's like?"

He looked at his hand as if expecting a miracle. "I wanted to know..What its like to…Oh well damn it curse my sloppy handwriting.." He smiled genuinely and I frowned, reaching forward and gripping his hand. "U-Um, no." Antonio shook his head and closed his hand into a fist, preventing me from seeing the written message. ( Chinese chicken scratch, to be honest. No sense of style _and _messy script? Mio dio, Antonio. Get your shit together.)

"Lemme see." Trying to pry his hand open was useless. Stupid Toni and his strength. Annoys me so much. But I knew he'd let me see it eventually. This one knew me too much.

"Stubborn, aren't we?" He escaped my grasp.

"Voi e la vostra forza disumana che eccita odio. Si dovrebbe vedere un medico." I grumbled, being done with him at the momwent. "Antonio."

"¿Sí?"

"We're going home. And I'm driving."

He looked startled. "What? Lovi, are you sure you don't want me to drive? I mean, its not that far and..and..Are you really _really_ sure?"

It kinda hurt, him not trusting me like that. But I knew he was right. Fuck, I didn't trust myself. For those of you fuckers wondering what the hell is wrong with me, I've got two simple words for you: Road rage. Its not very serious (Antonio says otherwise). Basically, I just happen to get very mad and upset and well, just enraged when driving/ and or experiencing anything road related. Words get said. Cars are crashed sometimes. A few weapons are used occasionally. And it all goes by in a fast blur. Literally; I could be giving someone the finger while going 200 MPH. Amazing, right?

"Sí. I'm sure."

"But its night. And dark. All those cars and its only like two-"

I punched him before he could continue. That was certainly _not _helping my situation. Now I was scared. Thanks a lot, you ass. "You. Will. Shut the fuck up. While. I'm. Driving."

Toni winced, but not because of the rough hit. Maybe I was being too harsh on him. It'd be best if I said aorry but being my defiant self, there was no way I'd lower my pride enough to do that. _Or,_ there was always the possibility that Antonio needed to just-'Breathe, Lovino. Breathe. Its all gonna go away. You're gonna be alright..' No sense in panicking now. I had to stay calm. If all went well, maybe we'd even get home in one piece. Okay, that's enough optimism for one night.

"Sí, Lovi. Entiendo.." Finally he was learning not to argue with me.

"Good boy. Get in loser, we're going shopping."

He perked up at that,"Really?"

"Pfft, no. I am _never _going shopping with you again." I scoffed and walked around to the driver's seat door. I gave him a pointed glance and got it, and he was smart enough to follow. One problem that annoyed me about his car (other than the keychain): Toni was too tall. "How do you drive comfortably?" I murmured, getting a hold of myself as I started up the car.

The Spaniard shrugged. "Its bigger on the inside? And you're tiny?" Leave it to him to make fun of my height in a life-or-death situation. Idiot; everyone knows short people are badass.

"Yeah yeah." It was going fine so far..Oh I wasn't actually driving yet. Well then. As soon as we started moving I blanked out. It was going by so fast, and I was slipping away. As usual. My breaths became more rapid and it was suddenly really cold. There was literally no noise. For a split second, I came back, and saw that we were now on a busy highway. Fuck this. Why is there so much god damned traffic on a Saturday? I could vaguely make out Antonio pleading with me to slow down, didn't he know that I couldn't? It went back and forth like that, spacing out and being there. When my mind cleared enough to actually let me see the road in front of me, I was relieved to see that there were no more cars. That is, until one of them crashed into us at 75 mph. Wrong side. I was on the wrong side of the road. My world flipped over and I made the mistake of looking up. Something sharp pierced my eyes and I squeezed them shut but that seemed to worsen things. My head made hard contact with what felt like metal. The last thing I felt was an iron grip on my wrist. Then darkness took over me.


End file.
